Confession

I watch weird TV shows. Like ‘So You Think You Can Dance’, ‘America’s Next Top Model’, an Australian drama about a dancing school, ‘Hannah Montana’…

‘Toddlers and Tiara’s’

Yeah, that one I’m really not proud of…

And as much as I am not one to make something out of nothing, I realized something about all these shows. They are about talent and someone who has an opportunity to ‘live the dream’- to use their talents to do something bigger than your everyday experience….

Ok, it might be a stretch…. but it’s struck a chord with me this week.

Sometimes, I wish I was really good at something. Something worthy of notice, you know? I wish I had stuck with dance all those years ago, or had natural artistic leanings, or musical giftedness, or the guts to be on a stage somewhere. I don’t know, sometimes I get bored being me and get caught up in all the things I must be missing out on. It’s this kind of mood that has me exclaiming to my fiancé, “I want to be a shark photographer!” after seeing a show on TV, or starting short story, after short story… novels, poems, blogs….

I get in creative moods sometimes. I just want to create something, make something new and interesting. I end up spending an afternoon doing some kind of goofy crafty sort of thing, and really enjoying the process, but my room is getting a little cluttered with all the picture frames and collages I’ve made on gloomy Saturdays.

I want to make things of value, of worth. I want to do something that will last. Something to be proud of, something to be known by. I think I get really caught up sometimes in needing to understand my worth in physical, outward appearances, something someone else can see. It’s pride, no? I want someone to look at something I’ve done, recognize its mine and... what? Appreciate me? Love me? Enjoy me? When I stop to look at it like that, I get a little sheepish, because there is someone who does love me, and enjoy me, and whose notice of me my worth is grounded in. And the craziest thing about it is I am the product of His creativity, and not just a random craft He did on a rainy day. I am a product of creative forethought, careful planning, and incredible love. The knowledge of that should overwhelm me, so why is it so easy to forget? I should wake up every morning blown away by the fact that my God created me, but that He purposefully created me as I am, with all the faults and imperfections I am learning to love about me. But the part I always forget about, the gifts and talents He intended me to have. Because I am ‘wonderfully’ made, intentionally made, uniquely made. I am me, and no one else.

I wish this sentiment wasn’t so trite, so ‘overdone’. We’re told to be true to ourselves, to be ourselves, to love ourselves… I don’t know about you, but I haven’t learned that yet, no matter how many times I’ve heard it. I want to dig deep into the woman God created me to be, to find joy in the person I am. To cultivate and appreciate the gifts I have, and use to them not for myself but to bring glory to God. I want to remember every morning what it means to be created with a purpose and for a purpose, with love and for love, with creativity and for creativity. I am made for a larger than life adventure, and I am going to start living that way.

Live knowing you are loved today. And I will too.

Mistakes

We all make them.
And I have made some really big ones. You know the ones that still make you blush and your stomach turn over no matter how much time has passed? And then there are some that we forget about almost as soon as have made them, or we are able to look back and laugh at how silly we were.
Recently, I have felt like this blog was a mistake. I made it several weeks ago, all excited about all the things I was going to write, the brilliance, the insight, the wisdom..... The blank page is very daunting. Suddenly, I didn't feel brilliant, or wise or particularly insightful. So, I haven't written anything. At all. And this blank blog has been taunting my ability as a writer (for a Creative Writing major about to graduate from college in a few short months, this is a serious issue of self-confidence!)
But last night at 12:30, it hit me. And as I typed notes into that bright, little screen on my iPod I realized that if I was going to write this blog, then it would fail. Miserably. Quickly. Painfully. However, if Jesus were to write it through me, then it could be beautiful. But it could also be messy, and a little clumsy, and extremely vulnerable. And that's down right frightening. But its also me.I am a little messy, I certainly don't have everything together, and I am pretty clumsy. Vulnerability is a big, scary word for me, but if I want to be real and honest, then that is what its going to take. To truly be perfectly imperfect me, then I am going to have to be real with myself, real with Jesus and even real with you. Real about my faults, real about what I am learning and who I want to be, and real about... my mistakes.
Mistakes, we all make them. But if there is one thing I have learned, and one thing I hope that you, friend, would get out of this, is that making mistakes does not make me one. You are not a mistake. Your value is immeasurable and your flaws are what keep you humble.And humility is beautiful. You are incredibly precious, and I hope that truth is something that will always be at the center of this blog. 
I can't promise that this blog will be consistent, I can't promise that it will always be well written, I can't promise I'll be funny, or witty or always particularly insightful. But I will be real, I will be honest, and I will be vulnerable. I am also hoping to challenge, encourage and inspire... but that'll be up to Jesus.
 not the imperfect me.