Poetry

I  Don't Know How to Tell You

You know I love you, right?
But if I'm honest, it's exhausting.
"Two peas in a pod?"
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Or maybe we are just too alike,
two magnets with the same poles
holding our thoughts at arms length.
You can try to forces it,
until our strength gives out,
miscommunicate,
and one of us escapes,
bent.

I love poetry. I wish I took the time to read and write it more. For some reason, poetry only comes to me when there is no other way to say something. It comes when I am tired, hurt or sad and feel like there is no other way to say what I feel. For that reason, the poems I do write are incredibly personal and they usually end up hidden away in a journal somewhere. I want to start changing that, I think. I want to have the courage to start sharing more of my heart through my writing. Whether through poetry, or through stories, or just through my many thoughts and musings here on this blog. But I need to stop talking about it and start doing something about it. I need to start writing.

Sister

My little sister makes me cry all the time. Not because she pinches me or pulls my hair or steals my doll…

She makes me cry because she is beautiful inside and out. She makes me cry because of all the difficult things she has overcome in her life and because she is stronger for it. She makes me cry simply because more than anyone I know she knows exactly who she is and what God made her to do, and she does it. She does it with reckless abandon, despite her fears and doubts.  Watching her perform the songs of her soul with a voice straight from heaven, I get goose bumps… and I usually cry. Nowhere else do I see heaven touch earth in the way it does when my sister is doing what she was created to do, and totally rocking it!

I have always envied people like my sister. Those people who know from a young age exactly what they were meant to do, and whose talents match up with their passions in such a way to make that possible. I envy the confidence that comes with that knowledge because I have always felt more like a “Jill of all trades” and a master of none. I have changed my mind so many times about what I want to be when I “grow up”, and nothing seems to stick. I have innumerable interests and hobbies and things that bring me joy. I’ll get really excited, and almost compulsive, about some new hobby for a couple days, get together all the things I need, research everything about it, and talk about it to anyone who will listen. But within a couple days I’ll forget about it, lose interest and move on to the next thing. Sometimes I still feel like I’m stuck in that little kid stage where you tell your patents you want to be a firefighter-ballerina-veterinarian-doctor in space! but change your mind the next day and decide you are going to be a princess in a tower that saves the world with your super powers. Sometimes I feel like I need to grow up and settle on one thing that I am going to “be” and stop changing my mind every two seconds.

But I also realize that maybe my imagination and love of so many different things is just a part of loving life. Maybe it’s what has made me always love stories, both reading and telling them. Maybe I am not actually that far off from where I want to be, from who I want to be, and that my versatility is part of who I am, is what makes me what I am. I don’t need to know who I am going to be, I need to just be who I am.

And in the end it’s not about me anyways. God has painstakingly gifted me to be this person. He has a reason for giving me all the loves and joys I find in so many different areas of life. He has a purpose for this “Jill of all trades” just as much as there is a plan for those lucky enough to have confidence in who they were created to be and what they were meant to do.  

I love watching my sister shine at who she is, and I think that I have learned from her how to embrace being who you are and rocking at it. Both of us have a beautiful future ahead of us, doing just what we were meant to do. I cannot wait to see where God takes us in the next few years. It’s going to be a amazing, whatever it is.

I love you, sissy. Thank you for teaching me everything you have about loving life and living it to the fullest. You mean the world to me. I am so proud of you. Love, Lou.